The following is a letter that I wrote tonight to an Adventist who I've been corresponding with a little. I redacted his/her name for their privacy but thought that people in this tribe might be interested in my train of thought.
"Hi XXXX,
Thanks for your message. I think you are coming across just fine. You seem like a good guy and I wish you and your family the best. I'm always interested when I hear the stories of other Adventists. I'm always shocked where I hear about people who left the Adventist church and didn't throw out Christianity altogether because my experience was one of reason, questioning, study, self-discovery and after putting Adventism and Christianity to the test of logic and my own acid test (whether or not, given the uncertain nature of reality, I choose to place my faith in an arbitrary and unfair god) both come up desperately lacking. I find it even more peculiar when a seemingly good and intelligent person chooses (rather than is born into) Adventism.
Regardless, I wouldn't describe my journey as a loss of faith, hope or belief in a higher power but rather one of enlightenment. If indeed god is the god of the bible, I will stand defiant before him and declare myself better than him at the day of judgement. I do not believe this to be the case. I believe that all life and space and matter is one and connected at an energy, spiritual and subatomic level and that reality, life and the spirit are all un-definable intangibles. In this sense it is impossible for one to be judged by god because in a very real sense whatever power there may be is one with me and the entire universe. I no longer live under the weight of guilt and self-loathing which Christianity brings.
I was discussing with my brother in law (another very vocal apostate Adventist) how at the age of six I would sit and play mind games with myself trying not to feel good about being humble so that I would in fact be humble. Instead I became confused and frustrated. Then I reached puberty and any chance I had of ever keeping the commandments went out the window as my libido arrived, although this was not for lack of effort on my part. I would pray and read the bible constantly in order to stop sinning. I would hear about the concept of probation, a time near the end, when god would sanctify his church at which time their faith would become flesh and they would no longer sin. I was told that a sin during probation was a mortal sin and I was convinced, given my inability to stop sinning in mind and body now, that I would absolutely sin during probation and join the wicked wailing and gnashing their teeth in the lake of fire. I would cling to the promises in Romans about faith alone saving the believer and shudder at the dose of reality in James saying that faith without works is nonexistent.
I grew up as a troubled, guilty, terrified young man. I didn't enjoy any of the things, which I now take great pleasure in, because they were sins. In short, I misspent my youth trying to be good, trying to be the person I thought I should be rather than being the person I was. I wasted a large portion of the only reality I know to exist chasing after one which not only is unlikely but is ruled by an infantile unjust dictator of a god. I mean what was Lucifer's big sin? He questioned god. What was the sin in the Garden of Eden? They questioned god. Genesis spells it out rather plainly that the fall of man was because he now knew the difference between good and evil. He wasn't content to accept everything god told him at face value and in so questioning had become like god. For this reason god withheld the fruit of the tree of life for fear he would become a god.
Genesis 3:22 (NIV) And the Lord God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever."
I should also remind you that my father had no clue about my torment and most of the world around me perceived me as a healthy well adjusted young Christian. I now look back at the way my parents raised me with great contempt. They sheltered me from thinking and in so doing allowed me to grow up without ever learning who I was or what I believed. I beg of you, please force your children to think. If they come to the same reality as you and it works for them that is one thing but the worst thing you can possibly do is let them believe in your reality simply because they believe in you.
The Christian argument is that living a Christian life costs you nothing if Christianity is false but living the life of a non-believer costs you everything if Christianity is correct. I would counter that living the life but not truly having faith gains you nothing if Christianity is correct and squandering the only reality that we know for certain exists in hopes of a reward in the heaven costs you everything if Christianity is false. It costs you the only chance you may have to live.
I hope that you are hearing me and that I’m not coming off as being too confrontational. I’m extremely passionate about this subject and look back at my Christian upbringing as the most damaging experience of my life. It took away twenty years that I can’t get back and still leaves deep scars of guilt and self-loathing. All this was brought about by the hands of two loving, caring, gentle, attentive, well meaning parents who I hold no contempt for, love dearly, and am very close to to this day.
Regards,
Clay
"Hi XXXX,
Thanks for your message. I think you are coming across just fine. You seem like a good guy and I wish you and your family the best. I'm always interested when I hear the stories of other Adventists. I'm always shocked where I hear about people who left the Adventist church and didn't throw out Christianity altogether because my experience was one of reason, questioning, study, self-discovery and after putting Adventism and Christianity to the test of logic and my own acid test (whether or not, given the uncertain nature of reality, I choose to place my faith in an arbitrary and unfair god) both come up desperately lacking. I find it even more peculiar when a seemingly good and intelligent person chooses (rather than is born into) Adventism.
Regardless, I wouldn't describe my journey as a loss of faith, hope or belief in a higher power but rather one of enlightenment. If indeed god is the god of the bible, I will stand defiant before him and declare myself better than him at the day of judgement. I do not believe this to be the case. I believe that all life and space and matter is one and connected at an energy, spiritual and subatomic level and that reality, life and the spirit are all un-definable intangibles. In this sense it is impossible for one to be judged by god because in a very real sense whatever power there may be is one with me and the entire universe. I no longer live under the weight of guilt and self-loathing which Christianity brings.
I was discussing with my brother in law (another very vocal apostate Adventist) how at the age of six I would sit and play mind games with myself trying not to feel good about being humble so that I would in fact be humble. Instead I became confused and frustrated. Then I reached puberty and any chance I had of ever keeping the commandments went out the window as my libido arrived, although this was not for lack of effort on my part. I would pray and read the bible constantly in order to stop sinning. I would hear about the concept of probation, a time near the end, when god would sanctify his church at which time their faith would become flesh and they would no longer sin. I was told that a sin during probation was a mortal sin and I was convinced, given my inability to stop sinning in mind and body now, that I would absolutely sin during probation and join the wicked wailing and gnashing their teeth in the lake of fire. I would cling to the promises in Romans about faith alone saving the believer and shudder at the dose of reality in James saying that faith without works is nonexistent.
I grew up as a troubled, guilty, terrified young man. I didn't enjoy any of the things, which I now take great pleasure in, because they were sins. In short, I misspent my youth trying to be good, trying to be the person I thought I should be rather than being the person I was. I wasted a large portion of the only reality I know to exist chasing after one which not only is unlikely but is ruled by an infantile unjust dictator of a god. I mean what was Lucifer's big sin? He questioned god. What was the sin in the Garden of Eden? They questioned god. Genesis spells it out rather plainly that the fall of man was because he now knew the difference between good and evil. He wasn't content to accept everything god told him at face value and in so questioning had become like god. For this reason god withheld the fruit of the tree of life for fear he would become a god.
Genesis 3:22 (NIV) And the Lord God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever."
I should also remind you that my father had no clue about my torment and most of the world around me perceived me as a healthy well adjusted young Christian. I now look back at the way my parents raised me with great contempt. They sheltered me from thinking and in so doing allowed me to grow up without ever learning who I was or what I believed. I beg of you, please force your children to think. If they come to the same reality as you and it works for them that is one thing but the worst thing you can possibly do is let them believe in your reality simply because they believe in you.
The Christian argument is that living a Christian life costs you nothing if Christianity is false but living the life of a non-believer costs you everything if Christianity is correct. I would counter that living the life but not truly having faith gains you nothing if Christianity is correct and squandering the only reality that we know for certain exists in hopes of a reward in the heaven costs you everything if Christianity is false. It costs you the only chance you may have to live.
I hope that you are hearing me and that I’m not coming off as being too confrontational. I’m extremely passionate about this subject and look back at my Christian upbringing as the most damaging experience of my life. It took away twenty years that I can’t get back and still leaves deep scars of guilt and self-loathing. All this was brought about by the hands of two loving, caring, gentle, attentive, well meaning parents who I hold no contempt for, love dearly, and am very close to to this day.
Regards,
Clay
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